Indian Matchmaking (Opinions)

((Hereafter, I don’t know if I am being politically correct or not and if I say something problematic, please do correct me because we are all for growth and improvement.)) 

Why is Indian Matchmaking problematic? Why has EVERYONE taken to social media to express their rage -whether through soft sarcasm and memes or a more verbose approach? 

Try reading this with not the intention to contradict, judge and criticize but with a little ‘open mind’ and ‘flexible nature’. Yes these are my criteria. Oops did I just mock the show myself? Kind of. Well. Hear me out.

We all understand how our upbringing shapes our thoughts and ideals. We understand the result of a cause is an effect and for every effect too there is probably, even if yet undiscovered, a cause. Mathematically, we can say F: effect→ cause where F is an invertible function.

Basically, the show with all its judging and sweet discrimination, as disturbing as it might be, is a reflection of us as a society. BUT is that also not a stereotype? Because hey, so many of us or our parents would be okay with us not being married or us deciding who to marry or (oh no, Sima Auntie forbids) even a love marriage. Let’s step back and understand this now. Stereotypes are a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or a thing.

So yes you/ your family might be super chill about marriages but that is probably not true about your neighbor or your relatives or even (woop; if we go into mental regression alongside an economic one) your kids!

Yes. It sucks to see ourselves being reduced to a “type”. An entire nation narrowed down. They suck. Generalizations always do when you don’t naturally fit into the generalized idea and are forced to ‘compromise’ and ‘adjust’ by others.

There is no doubt that we pride ourselves for our progressive, rational thinking and it bites to see us portrayed like that but we are all complicit in some way.

Think of a choice. A wealthy man vs a man you have been dating from a lower caste + economically unstable. Say your parents prefer the first choice. So then there is no family hassle with the first choice, plus the added advantage of money -which let’s be real is important in life no matter how much you deny it on paper. Especially when you think of having children etc etc (they do be little monsters gobbling all of your money). And it is not easy to earn money man. When it boils down to it really think hard. What would you go for?

The soft persuasion, societal pressure, obligation to parents, social setup, your own blurred-by-listening-watching-others ideals, all of it guide your choices. In India our parents do so much for us. Maybe you feel indebted to return it in some way. To please them. So you make the choice they want. It is a sacrifice in a way. Bravery if one may say. And so you adopt their same old ideas, look through their lens.

It is this passing on of casteism- like genes-except it is done externally. Or of racism. So subtle. So scary.

How many friends do you have from a different economic background?

We all call out people so easily. But looking within is just as important. And it will be troubling, trust me, but if it isn’t troubling is it really progress?

If I have to think of it, I have zero friends from a very different economic status. I have no plans to get married at all but if I do I would prefer an Indian. Similar culture does make things easier. There is a basic level of commonality. Distantly shared experiences. Additionally, even if my parents are not engaged to the other family it would be nice to have both sides be amicable and comfortable.

I am not an expert to talk about sexism or racism. More so because I am afraid I might reduce myself to a hypocrite. I am not woke. I am just trying to be something I don’t know.

They want a slim, trim, tall, fair girl. Is that a horrible choice? Don’t think so. At first I thought isn’t that just choice? A matter of opinion? Slowly, I saw the pattern as the show progressed and realized that even if it is a so-called “choice” it is derived from the notions of beauty we hold. The ones we collectively believe.

If you are short you’re a stool,  dark skin is damn uncool. Big nostrils make you look like a chimp, hairy arms do so too. Because it doesn’t matter if evolution impacted your brain, at least it made your body new.

What’s funny is- I am a tall person (compared to avg Indian height) but I have been told to ‘stop growing’ because ‘ladka nahi milega’. Sometimes I’m just confused what the society wants from us? Probably something we are not capable of being. Can’t shrink yo. Sorry.

The entire process is superficial, surely. But who am I to judge how people pick their life partners? If both parties believe in the bio-data scheme and destiny it is their choice. There is nothing wrong with a person believing in astrology. Or face-reading. I don’t know if it works but we also don’t know if a lot of other things do, but we believe in them. We find humour in it for the backwardness we associate with it. That is okay too. We don't believe in it maybe because we aren’t that hopeful or, maybe we are completely hopeless. Or maybe because we don’t have so much confidence and strength in ourselves that we can share it with a gemstone or a pandit.

One more thing, I read somewhere that you can't just send someone to a life coach? I don't get that. It is okay to go to a life coach even if there are no clear cut issues 'in you' (which lets be real, of course nahi hai dear. You are perfect.)

I am not endorsed by Netflix to say this (lol why do I even need to say that) but to me it seems to be the mere portrayal of things as it is. The show includes a variety of people and thereby different mindsets. Ankita, who is an entrepreneur and “ahead of her times” (but really. Aur kitna aage jaana padhega to have men women be equals). Vyasar, a school teacher with not a visible hint of misogyny. Pradhyuman, rich rich rich. Also your face on your door handle is a little cringey dude. Akshay, who has no brains of his own and claims no responsibility for his own children. Etc etc etc.

We can always question where the line is between the portrayals of reality v/s the promotion of it. For me this wasn’t the latter. It didn’t feel like the directors set out on that path. If I may go even further and say that they wanted to go the other way. It makes you move from your place. It addresses the uncomfortable bits. This was not a show which was created to be presented. It was harsh and real. Pickup a newspaper and open matrimonial. You'll know this exists in our very "modern" lives. It makes you realize how long the journey is from where we stand.

I did find certain parts very cringey and was in shock when people described their likes and preferences for living breathing human beings like they were filtering content while shopping online.

I have judged the show thoroughly and shared my scattered opinions, if you think differently or even resonate with me, let me know. If you wish to watch, it is mildly entertaining as a show, go ahead.

PS. I did find Sima Taparia problematic but that was only because I watched a film she featured in. It’s called ‘A Suitable Girl’. She marries off her daughter in this one. Watch it. You’ll get a real look at how marriages are ‘made in heaven’- a heaven brides don’t always want to be in. 

PPS. read this to get a background to understand indian marriages https://scroll.in/article/968151/what-makes-a-show-like-indian-matchmaking-possible-this-book-examines-marriage-in-india